Being immunocompromised is an uphill battle — in my case, from childhood onward. Falling ill on a regular, rotating basis meant that I often had to miss out on fun, exciting, important events growing up. Missing weeks and sometimes even months of school and work put an intangible distance between me and my peers. It’s something I’ve always dealt with and have been forced to accept.
As an adult, having to make my own doctor appointments has been a struggle, what with the executive dysfunction and all. Nonetheless, I’ve been fairly consistent about it. That is, until 2020. My most recent physician appointment was two years ago. I’d been freshly boosted, masks were still a requirement in healthcare settings, and I felt much better about existing in public spaces than I do now in 2023. How have we managed to fail so frequently and so severely? Why are cancer wards filled with unmasked staff? Why are parents encouraged to send their sick children to school? Why are bosses forcing their employees to show up covid-positive? Because… the economy? How deeply fucked can we possibly get before shit starts crumbling entirely?
Being high-risk and immunocompromised means that I don’t have access to healthcare. I’m sure as shit not risking catching covid for a check-up. I recently had an appointment that I’d made months prior for a concerning pain in my side. I’d lie awake at night asking myself if it was worth the risk. After weighing my pros and cons, I decided to cancel it. I find myself thinking of other disabled folks with more severe conditions and more compromised immune systems. We can’t get the help we need because not even the healthcare industry can be bothered to do the right thing… and for what? Optics? Politics? Y’all have lost the damn plot. Masks should be required in healthcare, and if you don’t wanna wear a mask at work, don’t go to medical school. Simple as.
I know the rest of the world isn’t faring any better, but speaking from my American perspective, I’ve been surrounded by self-serving, myopic, hyper-individualistic people my entire life. Ironically, the people who tout and spout hypocritical rhetoric about freedom are only concerned about their freedoms — the freedom to discriminate, belittle, manipulate, and force-feed their ways of living onto the rest of the world. Luckily for the rest of society, they’re nothing but an obnoxiously loud minority, but that doesn’t mean we’re not subjected to their bullshit on the daily. In the case of an ongoing pandemic, they’ve won. They threw the biggest hissy fits and stomped their little boots the loudest. Congrats, America — you are now free get as sick as you damn well please! Catch it as many times as you physically can, as long as you don’t miss Happy Hour at Applebee’s. Dying alone in a hospital bed was worth all the money you threw away at concert concession stands and bar tabs. You go! *caw of FREEDOM*
For these folks, it’s not enough to have the “freedom” to ignore an airborne pathogen (until they’re forced to quit their job, pull their kids out of school, or fall over dead in the garden.) They take it miles further by harassing those of us who have no choice but to take this ongoing pandemic seriously. The shittiest part about it, though, is the fact that we’re being failed on a global scale. Governmental agencies are feigning normalcy for the sake of urging its citizens to keep the economy going. Being chewed up and spit out by the system has cursed me with a view behind the curtain. I see the sham of capitalism for what it truly is. I know that we’re lambs being sent to slaughter for the sake of a currency that we made up.
If you don’t have a shitty immune system, a chronic illness, or condition that affects your health, it’s all to easy to take your health for granted. Too many people incorrectly categorize themselves as healthy, not knowing the irreversible havoc that covid has already wreaked on their bodies. “I feel fine, so I must be fine.” It certainly doesn’t help that the talking heads of the pandemic, like Dr. Anthony Fauci, are openly advocating for eugenics with humdingers like “the vulnerable will fall by the wayside,” giving a green flag to the world to keep grinding itself into the ground, to keep infecting each other ad nauseam, all to ensure that the engine keeps running long after they become disabled and tossed in the ditch with the rest of us. What next? Do you plan on receiving adequate healthcare after covid disables you? Because I hate to break it to you, but you have a greater chance of being struck by lightning than receiving proper care for your newfound disability. Welcome to Hell.
This isn’t just another flu, Ivermectin doesn’t fucking do shit, immunity debt isn’t a thing, every single body is different, and I am begging you to start paying attention. I take no pleasure in existing in a world that doesn’t give a shit if I exist or not. I don’t relish in the delight of trying to warn people about an airborne pathogen that is eroding our futures, disabling our children, shortening our lives, and destroying our health.
I felt compelled to pour all of this out of my fingers after a horrible appointment today with a person who’d tested positive for covid a couple weeks ago. I’d brought an extra mask, but they didn’t opt for it. Instead, we kept the office door open. It was delightful for me to sit there, horrified, as they explained that this was their third time catching covid and that they were shocked to be the only masked person at urgent care, all punctuated with a maskless sneeze in a tiny windowless office. I wanted to fucking scream. I tried to keep myself safe — my mask was properly sealed. I can only hope it was enough.
I’ve never been more disheartened or felt more alone than I do now. I try talking to my family, but they don’t care. I don’t have local friends who care enough to do the bare minimum to ensure I’m safe around them. I don’t have a safe place in the world so I’ve had to cultivate my own, and I’m trying my damnedest to keep it that way. It’s hard when no one else can be bothered. It’s baffling to hear the cognitive dissonance and brain gymnastics that the world is doing to justify their actions (or gross lack thereof.) Eugenics ain’t cute, y’all. And trust me when I say this — those of us who’ve been left with no choice but to remain isolated from the world, will remember who you were during this pandemic. We’ll never forget the dismissals, the cruelty, or the blatant eugenic practices that you perpetuated by refusing to listen to those of us who got wiped off the map.
All I know is, the documentaries on this 10 years from now are going to sound like every disaster documentary that we already know the ending to. Where did we go wrong? Why did it take so long for the government to step in? Why did we do this to an entire generation of kids? Why are hospitals the most dangerous place to exist? Why did we write disabled people off entirely? Why didn’t we listen to those most affected? How did we get here?
How did we? People decided their routines were more important than oxygen. Their lives mattered more to them than anyone else’s ever did. They refused to see past the ends of their own noses. The United States is run on hyper-consumption and individualism at any cost. Community care is unheard of. Mutual aid? Don’t make me laugh. If you can’t hack it in the US, it’s your own fault — definitely not the fault of a system that reduces you to a warm body in a uniform. Once you can’t sell your labor for pennies on the dollar anymore, you’re as good as dead. Ignoring this pandemic is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of the worst possible order. We’re killing ourselves and each other already, but our demise has been fast-forwarded by SARS-CoV-2. This virus doesn’t give a shit who you voted for or what you believe in. It doesn’t discriminate, but our healthcare system does. Covid is decimating the working class while the rich and wealthy take clandestine precautions and have unlimited access to state-of-the-art healthcare. Why aren’t we doing what they’re doing and taking precautions of our own? Why are we dying and becoming disabled willingly? This fragile-ass system is held up by toothpicks and we’re destroying each other to keep it running. What in the unholy fuck are we doing?
Being a 2023 Kassandra means no one fucking believes you. No one lets you get a word in. The sideways looks, the laughs and scoffs, the mocking and ableism, it’s all too much. What will it take for y’all to start giving a shit? You don’t care until you’re affected, and even then, you shrug it off. Am I in a fever dream right now? I’m only 31 and I fully plan to live to 100 out of pure spite. But on days like today, all I can think about is how goddamned exhausted I am. I can’t fucking do this anymore… but I have to.
I don’t have a choice.
