It’s bizarre to stand on the other side of a lifetime of dismissal and devaluation. I’m so used to being cut off at the knees that I’m still getting used to remaining intact while navigating the world. I’ve nursed my rawest wounds. I’ve survived the darkest nights of the soul. I’ve experienced intense isolation and profound loneliness and a sense of community and authentic belonging. In the summer, I swelter to the point of delirium, and in the winter, I can see my breath in my living room (this isn’t a metaphor; it’s true.) Just because I’m used to living in extremes, doesn’t mean I fucking want to.
It’s how I’ve always been, though. I feel everything. I feel nothing. I simultaneously experience everything in between. For some, I’m too much. For others, I’m not enough. Until this point in my life, I shapeshifted into the spaces that were expected of me, whether that meant spreading myself paper-thin or chiseling away at my soul so I could fit into a tiny box.
Once I realized that society will never have a box that’s exactly Me-sized, I started gathering materials to build a box of my own. I began allowing myself to process decades-long pain. I learned what it feels like when my nervous system is truly on Neutral. I afforded myself the compassion that wasn’t shown or modeled to me. I started healing my inner child. I let go of the expectations of others. Instead of misshaping myself to maintain everyone else’s peace, I learned to trust others to tell me when something was wrong. I learned language that perfectly describes my innermost experiences that I hadn’t shared with anyone. Oh, so this isn’t just a Me Thing? It’s called sensory overload? Phew! I just thought I was an insufferable bitch.
The way knowledge is commodified is a tragic disservice to humanity. Everyone deserves the tools and resources to learn about themselves and their world. Too many of us think the world’s problems are our singular, individual fault. If more people had the language to express their inner worlds, it’d lead to more mutual understandings and potentially bridge the empathy gap. It’d also help sus out people with questionable or unsafe motives. People deserve to have one less thing to worry about.
My brain has two modes: Hyperdrive and Nothingness, the former being its default state. Once the frequency reaches a certain speed, everything melds together into a large lulling drone. Is that what I’m mistaking for Nothingness? When I can’t process my surroundings, it’s usually because there’s too much input happening at once. This causes me to freeze because I’m unable to prioritize tasks and processes. All of them are equally urgent and need to be addressed now. When I learned that other people can effortlessly prioritize tasks without much thought, I felt scammed.
I’ve been clawing my way up a rocky hill for months now. Just when I started getting a grasp on a consistent schedule, everything got derailed by my health and I’ve been desperately clinging ever since. Once my health improved, huge events kept getting dumped in my lap. I’ve taken it all in stride with no time to recuperate before I’m slapped with The Next Thing. Now, anything that happens is just another noisy dust cloud to add to the cacophony that swirls around my head at all times.
I’ve been trying to remain grounded while navigating all these unknowns, but it’s fucking hard. The path I’ve been carving for myself has angered people who are all too eager to let me know. Loudly. Brashly. Brazenly. Unprompted. Instead of retreating into my shell like they expect me to, I’ve instead been matching their energy. And I must say, I get a hell of a kick out of the steam that pours out of their ears. It’s almost as if you fucked around and found out, huh? Interesting, that.
All I can do within this chaos is remain. I have to keep speaking my truth. I mustn’t let the unsolicited opinions of strangers deter me from standing up for myself and others. Why should any of us take advice from someone we wouldn’t want to switch lives with? I don’t want to switch with anyone.
My extreme life is extremely mine.
